Alright people, look here. Let’s have a little talk, just you and I. A little closer, this is important. That’s it.

I have to say something. Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but us coaches really, really cannot take many more nights like tonight. Now we realize that you people are all really into this swimming thing. Trying to qualify for this and cut time in that, blah blah blah. And that’s fine, we guess, but seriously, we need a little more warning if you’re going to try and pull something like this again. Just when a guy is looking for a nice, relaxing evening at the pool, you have to go and get crazy. I mean, we practically didn’t even get to sit down.

In fact, we’d have to say that tonight’s meet was a total disaster. I knew it was a bad sign when I had to drag half of the lower division out of the deep end. They just would NOT stop doing turns and trying to make their strokes all perfect before the meet. Annoying, I know.

But things got worse. Way worse.

We tried to wear everyone out by making them scream their guts out on the hill, but it didn’t seem to help. Maybe it even made things worse. Right away, Kenzie O, Olivia M and Sydney W decided to get smart and make some pretty saucy qual times, and dragging just about EVERYONE into a spiral that pretty much got out of control.

The kids all started swimming butterfly like they had colorful wings with decorative designs. Carly C got her first league qual, and again, everyone must have gotten pumped up or something. So more best times, across the board. More running up and down the slippery pool deck, screaming like crazy people. I came to the pool to relax, not run a screaming marathon up and down the pool!

Even though the coaches were pretty steamed at this point, league and state quals kept dropping like cotten from the trees. Tess H decided she’d like to go to league after all and kicked her fly into high gear. Heddie S made her first ever league time in the greuling 100 free, even though we tried to exhaust her with lots of butterfly beforehand. Kenzie got another state time, and Anna G acted like she could just do whatever she wanted, demolishing state times at will. This is a family pool, ya know!

Daria R hit her SECOND league time in a week, also her second ever, and Joe D made state in his breast, even though he’s a newbie. So showy, those two. Then Ethan S made 2 crazy state times in the span of about 5 minutes, and Alex S finished his quest to get all-state with a pretty quick 100 free. What’s he want, a medal or something?

Then the 2 musketeers (as I like to call them) showed up. Paige W and Nicole C. Yeah, I rolled my eye when they walked in, too. These two go under other aliases, namely “Haven’t swam a meet in years” Cotten and “I just swim to stay in shape for my other sports” Williams. What did they do in thier first swims? Well, I won’t recount the gory details. I think you get the idea.

Then–the real clencher–that little punk Tristan G went out and broke his 50 breaststroke record again. 44 something seconds. Can someone tell this kid that he’s only 10? I may inquire with the state about steriod testing. And I just spent, like, 5 minutes changing the record book YESTERDAY! Talk about ungrateful! And if he thinks I’m going to go and change it again, just have it broken again…well he’s sorely mistaken. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…well, I’m pretty foolproof.

By the end of the night, by my unofficial count (still waiting on pesky results…I hope they never come!) we had 6 brand new league qualifiers (Sydney, Tess, Carly, Paige, Nicole, Heddie) and 2 new state qualifiers (Olivia M and Joe D). And I probably didn’t even get them all…trust me, it’s very overwhelming being in the line of fire like that, you’d probably miss something too.

Even the ones that didn’t make official times still couldn’t resist getting in thier shots. Daniel M dumped 14 seconds in a 50 fly, Scott W decided to take off 20 seconds in his 200 free, all while pulling thier I’m-gonna-swim-every-race-just-try-to-stop-me routine. C’mon guys. It’d be one thing if it was thier first time swimming, but this is just showboating. So obvious! Kelsie T, Lisa L, Sarah D, Mikaela D, Michael T, Sarah W and Ben M all pretty much ganged up on us and came within moments of hitting thier first qual times (for some, first ever). Do you think I go home and practice screaming? These races tire us out!

Please people, we just want some rest! A nice, relaxing, leisurely swim here and there might be nice. Think…Coach Shelby. Swimming breaststroke. Now that’s a great 5 minute break. Just once? Maybe?

Probably the only bright moment of the day (if not totally expected) came at the very end when your very own coaches pulled a very definitive victory over the upper division. I would say more, but I think the Shelbinator put it pretty well herself when she said “Dese little boys nevah stood a chance! We crush them like bugs with steel boots. Splat! Ha Ha Ha! What ghirly men!” Well, good effort anyway, boys.

She might not have effectively balanced the budget, but she did swim a pretty nasty 31 to slam the door on any comeback hopes. It didn’t hurt that she flexed a bicep at Riley right before jumping in, causing him to spontaneously pee his Speedo. And we all know what it’s like trying to swim in a peed-in Speedo…please do comfort him when you see him in the morning.

Otherwise, with my tortured tale finally down on paper, I might be able to finally get to sleep tonight…only to see all of you cruel, creul children in 7 hours! Oh, the humanity of it all!

Coach Luke

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: